Rambling Harlot: On Internet Dating and Shyness
I thought I should post about my experience with OK Cupid. It’s been .. well, I wanted to say enlightening, but that would be a lie. It’s certainly been a reminder that I have no time for a lot of straight dudes. My inbox is overflowing with ‘hey baby’ and ‘wanna have sum fun?’ messages, and occasionally I message them back.
“No, really – you are pro-life, homophobic and wouldn’t date a fat chick… So why the FUCK are you messaging me? What makes you think that somehow all my politics and ethics will go out the window for you? Why do we both bother filling in our profiles and answering our compatibility questions? Or is your homophobia so casual that it doesn’t apply to a woman who lists herself as bisexual, because unlike those filthy homo men, bi chicks are totally hot, amirite?” ..I rarely get another message from them.
Still not sure if the unsolicited dross on OKC is better or worse than the unsolicited dross on Fetlife, where I quickly tired of telling people not to be so damn presumptuous and that a ‘Hello, how are you?’ before you launch into your Mistress & scat requests is just polite, damn it.
At any rate, I have realised that I am not great at keeping up an ongoing email exchange with someone. There have been a few lovely people who have contacted me, but I’m lazy and realising I am not all that interested in playing ‘get to know you’ games this way. But I’m also desperately shy about organising a date or a meet up in real life with anyone from these sites.
It’s more or less the same with the amazing people on my Twitter feed. People I would like to perhaps get naked with, but also people who I would really like to sit down and have a beer with.. but I can’t bring myself to put that out there.
I’m going to a local queer party this Friday. I’ll actually know quite a few people there (which equals a fun night out without socializing with anyone new), but perhaps I can set myself a challenge my shrink would be proud of, and make it my mission to strike up a conversation with a stranger.
I never used to be such a shy slut, hopefully I can learn to shine it on until it becomes natural again.
x Shy Harlot
I am fairly new to the online dating game… and your sentence, ““No, really – you are pro-life, homophobic and wouldn’t date a fat chick… So why the FUCK are you messaging me?” struck me pretty dead on.
I lay it out, I put it right there. I am a BBW. I hate the stigma that I’m fat so I’m lazy. Or, how about, “I’m fat, so I must not care about myself.” Where the hell did our society get these ideals?
Here are my hot tips:
1. Pleasure Salon seems to be popular. Twitter tells me that at least 4 people you follow were there last night. On the very rare occasions that I have been, everyone was friendly, and I had a fun/educational evening.
2. The people you follow on Twitter don’t bite (insert predictable joke here). If you DM someone to see if they would like to have a drink, the worst you will get is a polite excuse.
3. Long email exchanges and chatting on dating/hookup sites just serve to delay the crucial in-person “would I consider getting naked and sweaty with this person” first impression. Meeting people with an artificial time constraint (only got time for 1 drink) might remove some of the anxiety you are feeling.
Good luck with your de-shying practice this weekend.
You’ve got to be confident! I definitely admit to feeling the same way about meeting people I’ve contacted on Fetlife, but I think it was mostly a matter of finding comfortable spaces to meet them (and maybe a convenient excuse to leave if you find that the two of you really don’t mesh). I met one friend at a folk life festival downtown, which was perfect because it was very public and he had a volunteering gig very shortly after our meeting, so I didn’t have to awkwardly slip away when conversation ran out.
Anyway, it’s all about finding what makes you comfortable, right? Maybe a skype date…
I so completely relate. I’m getting better at talking to people while out (and doing so without relying too much on alcohol), but it’s difficult. And I have the same thing with Twitter people!
-> “No, really – you are pro-life, homophobic and wouldn’t date a fat chick… So why the FUCK are you messaging me? What makes you think that somehow all my politics and ethics will go out the window for you? Why do we both bother filling in our profiles and answering our compatibility questions? Or is your homophobia so casual that it doesn’t apply to a woman who lists herself as bisexual, because unlike those filthy homo men, bi chicks are totally hot, amirite?”
->Still not sure if the unsolicited dross on OKC is better or worse than the unsolicited dross on Fetlife, where I quickly tired of telling people not to be so damn presumptuous and that a ‘Hello, how are you?’ before you launch into your Mistress & scat requests is just polite, damn it.
These two points are UNQUESTIONABLY the story of my life, and I, too, suffer from that intense shyness that keeps me from putting myself out there. I enjoyed reading this – thanks for writing it!